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Do you love CLAMS? Do you love MAYONNAISE? Then open wide for Clam-O-Naise®, the tangy, garlicky mayo made with real clams—featuring the all-new CLAM PACK hidden in every jar! We’re not fucking with you: we worked with a team of chefs and food scientists to make it actually delicious, and then we actually submerged 30 new cards and a MYSTERY CLAM-O-PRIZE deep inside the mayonnaise. Win real pearls, Clam-O-Merch, or even a car! Are you ready?
30 all-new Cards Against Humanity cards about the sexual possibilities of shellfish, submerged in the mayonnaise.
Every single jar comes with a FREE PRIZE! Win real pearls, clam-themed vacations, or even a CAR!
Are you ready to embrace the Clam-O-Naise® lifestyle? Set sail for fashion with our collection of fresh tangy Clam-O-Merch! Supplies are limited, so buy now while you still clam.
The smoky tang of Clam-O-Naise® adds big flavor to any meal! If it works with mayonnaise, it works with Clam-O-Naise. Here’s our advice on making a basic “turkey clamwich,” plus three recipes from actual chefs.
Yes, you love Clam-O-Naise®.
Based on the dish Clams Casino, Clam-O-Naise® is a tidal wave of tangy, smoky, garlicky flavor, with just a hint of real clams. Your mouth is watering already!
For real. We worked with professional chefs and food scientists to get it just right.
Clam-O-Naise® is available at Target.com and at Target stores nationwide. You can’t miss it: it’s the only jar of mayonnaise in the games section.
Yes. It’s a miracle that we convinced a Fortune 500 company to nationally distribute a clam-flavored mayonnaise filled with clam-themed rimjob jokes, so that’s the only place you can buy it.
Every jar of Clam-O-Naise® includes the all-new 30-card Clam Pack, featuring cards such as “Sneaking 700 steamed clams into a movie theater,” and “The sexual possibilities of coleslaw.”
Fully submerged inside the mayonnaise.
Oh, most definitely.
We spent months developing an FDA-approved vacuum-packed food-safe mayo-proof card-wrapping system. If you think that’s a mouthful, wait 'til you try Clam-O-Deviled Eggs!
Every single jar of Clam-O-Naise® comes with a FREE MYSTERY CLAM-O-PRIZE!!!!! You could win a real pearl, Clam-O-Merch, a clam-themed vacation, or even a one-of-a-kind Toyota Clamry! FUCK YES!!!!!
Clam-O-Naise® contains both real clams and real pork, making it neither pescetarian nor kosher. No matter what god or moral philosophy you believe in, Clam-O-Naise® is “sinfully delicious!” Click here for a full list of ingredients and nutritional info.
If you can put mayonnaise on it, you can put Clam-O-Naise® on it. French fries, sandwiches—the world is your…clam. Check out these recipes dreamed up by professional chefs.
The Hellmann’s Mayonnaise Corporation is a weak, cowardly excuse for a company that has ceded control to feckless dinosaurs who wouldn’t know delicious mayonnaise if it was blasted into their mouths with a mayonnaise cannon. If you want to get anything done in this world, you have to do it yourself. Hellman’s can #eatmyclam.
That’s Clambo, the fun-loving mascot of Clam-O-Naise®. He likes surfing, clam bakes, and is a strong supporter of Catalonian separatism.
Well, SHUCKS! Send us an email at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Email us at email@example.com and we’ll help you out.
That’s fresh-chopped garlic, baby!
We asked ourselves this very question while stranded on a boat in the north Atlantic for three months in 1978. Our motor had broken down, and we were struggling to repair it in the harsh winter cold. We were down to our last jar of Clam-O-Naise® and had nearly given up hope when we made a bold and tangy decision: instead of eating the Clam-O-Naise®, we poured it into the smoking motor. Unorthodox to be sure! But freshly lubricated, our clamboat roared to life, and we soon arrived safely at harbor. The experience left us humbled, but it also taught us a valuable lesson: when times are tough, don’t be shellfish—pass that Clam-O-Naise®!
Clam-O-Naise is manufactured in cool, creamy Seattle. But on a more spiritual level, Clam-O-Naise is made wherever people cry out to the Heavens, yearning for tangy redemption.
It’s all real. The mayo is real. The card pack is real. The prizes are real. Clam-O-Naise® is one of the last bastions of truth in a post-truth world.